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 Post subject: Dark Obsession Chapter 1. Normal
PostPosted: 20. Oct 2010, 06:12 
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Link to my FP page. http://www.fictionpress.com/~crysempressred

Here' is my fic Dark Obsessions. It's about a girl who gets kidnapped by a nest of vampires to be their slave. Please read and review.

Chapter 1:

There was a time when I considered myself extraordinary…when the foolish dreams and fantasies of a young and naïve child still dominated my actions. I wanted to be an artist, a dancer, an astronaut, and of course, ridiculously famous. I craved the attention, the acceptance, and had no concept of limitations or prohibitions. Growing up, I soon came to realize…Reality. I came to realize my own inadequacies, and those insecurities choked and restricted my dreams, so I stopped, like everyone else does.
Those things were not written for me. Things like money, time, and effort came to pollute my childish whims, and somehow that spark for life, success, and the extraordinary faded away-washed out and bleached plain, so that my very existence was void, plain, and ORDINARY. That was, until I met HIM. Well, there's him, and then there's HIM.
One was to cause me the greatest pain I could ever imagine, and the other would do the exact same, only I happened to be in love with him. But I'm getting a little ahead of myself.
There are a few things that I remember significantly about that day. The sun was harsh and blinding, and the dry heat seemed to suck up what life the dusty little town in Arizona had. "Kyrie," cried the shrill and bubbly voice of my friend Dawn. She was "perky" personified. She had luscious blond curls and an apple pie face that, next to mine, made me drab and even more bland looking.
"Hey D," I said. Gosh, even my voice was mopey and plain.
"Listen, what do you say we skip class and go shopping instead!"
"Ummm, I don't think that's such a good idea," I said. I surely wasn't one who loved to hit the books and swoon over academia, but I didn't want to get into trouble either. The ritzy, snot faced halls of Sandusky High were as close to hell as I could imagine, at least at that point in time.
"Please-please-please," she begged in quick procession, as she put on her best apple pie dimple face. How could I resist? I've always had the hardest time saying "no" to people. I think it comes from the fear of disappointing others, and I hate getting into disagreements with people. This goes back to the comfort of "boringness." Sometimes, when people pressure me or put me under a deadline, I get this overwhelming sense of anxiety. It crushes my chest and my head feels strained, suffocated. It's much easier to acquiesce and avoid that feeling altogether.
I agreed to go, as always, and kept my own worries on the inside. I was twisting a strand of my dark, thick hair, as if I could fidget away my nerves. It wouldn't be so bad. We were both Seniors this year, so we had a little leeway. We had decided to go to the mall so that Dawn could appease her latest shopping urge.
Several smoothies, shopping bags, and mind numbing hours later we had started our trek towards the parking lot. I was a little grumpy because of the attention that Dawn was getting. Of course, with her figure, heads would turn whenever she walked by, and I'm not the jealous type. Honestly, I would be embarrassed by the attention in real life. I just missed the feeling of being wanted, even though I had never really had that to begin with.
I remember feeling melancholy and thinking about my childhood. I was raised by a single mother who worked too hard, and was a little too religious. After a really bad public incident, which I choose not to remember, she was locked up. At the tender age of 11, I was sent into foster care. I was too old and too quiet for anyone to want to adopt me. My eighteenth birthday had just passed and I was legally an adult. My plan was to move out and find a job as soon as graduation came.
It's not that I wasn't grateful. I had been staying with Mrs. Rose for the last five years. In her prime, Mrs. Rose had been the stern matriarch for several juvenile defuncts and orphans. However, ten or so years ago, a kid went loco and took a kitchen knife to her stomach. She survived after extensive surgery and bowed out of the crazy/lonely orphan rousting about. She had only taken me in as a favor to a social worker when the other homes had filled up. I kept thinking about my mother, lost in nostalgia, and I didn't even realize that we were on our way out of the mall.
It was quite dark and instantly I regretted that I didn't make Dawn drive around to find a closer parking spot earlier. The lot was eerily quiet, with the exception of the shadowed group of men walking towards us. The boom, boom, boom of thick boots hitting the pavement mirrored my pounding heart.
They came into the light, and instantly I regretted my panic. There were three men, very tall and heavily muscled. I noticed that Dawn drew her shoulders back to make her boobs look bigger, and her walk definitely had a little more swish in it. Upon closer inspection, I could see why--they were gorgeous. Three Adonis' strutted towards us, dark eyed, tousled haired and very well dressed. The man in the front was the focus of my attention in one of those weird moments where you lock eyes with someone and feel like they can see into the depths of your soul.
He was staring at me with a bewildering curiosity. It was so intense that it stopped me in my tracks. His black, brooding eyes had locked me in a predatory trance, and I could feel the hair rising on my arms and the back of my neck. I couldn't move…I could only stare blankly back at his eyes. At the time, my mind was completely void of thought, but looking back now, I can appreciate how handsome he was. He had that careless hair that shot out in every direction, yet still looked organized and touchable. He had a long face that was made for scowling and intimidation, and you could tell that even when he was frightening, he would be beautiful. His lips were full and rounded nicely. Rough stubble covered his chin and he had a light goatee that made him look masculine.
I noticed his nostrils were flaring as if he could smell something interesting. Ands his eyes were telling me that he was very interested in me. His eyes were, obsessed, is how I'd put it, even though I'd never seen him before.
The other two catcalling Dawn broke me out of my trance. She was smiling in feigned modesty, and the other chiseled men were making some suggestive comments. A low growl emitted from my "Laser Eyes." Immediately the other two took on a serious tone and somberly stepped in place behind him. It was strange how the growl rumbled through his chest. It was almost if I could feel the vibrations from the growl in the pit of my stomach. "Good evening, ladies," said the obvious leader of the group as he walked past. His voice was a silky baritone that warmed the sensitive area between my legs.
"Well good evening to you too, sexy," said Dawn in a giddy hottie tottie voice. His eyes were locked on me the whole time, and this seemed to bother Dawn, but I didn't care. He towered over me in a thick six foot three frame. I couldn't fathom why he was staring. I was maybe five foot seven on a good day, and borderline chubby, but he looked at me like I was delicious.
"OMG, did you see the way they were looking at me, God, they were hot!" exclaimed Dawn. She was chattering away about how hot they were in a not too discreet voice. I turned around to see if they'd noticed, but they were gone. The parking lot was black and empty. I tried to see make out their figures in the dark, but nothing…
All of the sudden, a terrified shriek pierced through my ears, and I whipped around. Dawn had a dark hood pulled over her head and was being hauled away by a pasty looking man who carried her kicking and punching form away on his shoulder. He was moving towards a black van! I inhaled deeply and was about to let out a scream to match the iron fear in my gut, when all the air whooshed out of me as I was hauled up by bigger, clunkier man. I hadn't even heard them coming. He whisked me onto his shoulder as if I weighed nothing at all. A bag was slipped over my head, knocking out my vision. I put all of my strength into a punch that collided with my attacker's head. My arm was rocked back and pain exploded through my fist. His face felt like concrete. He laughed at me.
I was too shocked and frightened, and my insides were squirming. I felt embarrassed too, that my punch didn't ground him. I was criticizing my own weakness, but let it melt off as the adrenaline kicked in. No, I wasn't weak, that punch would have at least made him drop me or hurt him in some way. My fear doubled over. He threw me into the van and my head collided with the wall as the sound of my melon hitting the steel pulled me into to unconsciousness. As I was slipping, I could hear men shouting, struggling.
Someone was fighting outside! If only I could gather my strength to move! But I felt like I was under water. I couldn't see, and my arms were heavy and slow. Before the comfort of the blackness took me, I heard that sexy, velvet voice cry out through the liquid darkness. His growl still sent tremors through my stomach. "She's mine."
The next few months I would spend in captivity, wishing I was ordinary, knowing my life and reality was anything but.


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 Post subject: Re: Dark Obsession Chapter 1. Normal
PostPosted: 20. Oct 2010, 07:39 
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Wow, nice. Awesome descriptions and good use of background exposition without once seeming to drag into heavy-handedness. Very believable character in the main girl, as well. The only thing I wonder (Which comes from trying to vizualize everything) is how she punched her attacker in the face while on his shoulder. Just seems like it'd be a little awkward and hard to put power behind. It may simply be a problem with my visualization of the situation, but if not, then perhaps I could suggest she try to elbow her attacker or something that requires a little less room to gather power behind. Once again, just a small suggestion to a great piece of fiction.


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 Post subject: Re: Dark Obsession Chapter 1. Normal
PostPosted: 20. Oct 2010, 08:48 
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Location: China
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You know just how much I like this story! ;) I can't wait to read more!

@Sdeaf: Do you mean this: ... I put all of my strength into a punch that collided with my attacker's head ...? I thinks it's more for the reader's imagination ... she could have ellbowed him, or? In the back of his head? It doesn't state that it was a hit into the face. Oh, it is said: ... His face felt like concrete. ... So, okay, you're right! :D


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 Post subject: Re: Dark Obsession Chapter 1. Normal
PostPosted: 22. Oct 2010, 23:26 
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Lol, I see! Thanks for the feedback, nice catch! I get so caught up in just getting the story out that its hard for me to pick up on the stuff. I mostly write when I supposed to be working, so that's part of the reason, lol.


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 Post subject: Re: Dark Obsession Chapter 1. Normal
PostPosted: 25. Oct 2010, 06:31 
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chinadollcjo wrote:
Lol, I see! Thanks for the feedback, nice catch! I get so caught up in just getting the story out that its hard for me to pick up on the stuff. I mostly write when I supposed to be working, so that's part of the reason, lol.


:D Me too. They just don#t appciate our talent.

But that's what readers are there for - to improve your work. And I'm sure that every writer has these problems but they have their lecturers and you have ... well US! :D


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 Post subject: Re: Dark Obsession Chapter 1. Normal
PostPosted: 28. Oct 2010, 05:58 
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May I remind you of the guidelines you should have read before posting your fiction? Please check back here and edit your first post. Thank you!


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